Thursday, May 1, 2014

I know it's just a house, but it's my home

The real estate pictures of my house.


Today, right now, this moment, is one of the hardest times I've had since Finn died in November. My house is officially up for sale. I didn't think I'd feel so shitty this morning. The week seemed like it was done in slow motion. I was just plodding along, doing what needed to be done. I felt nothing until I woke up this morning. I knew the minute I opened my eyes that I felt extreme anxiety. I'm supposed to be running right now, and I can't get myself out the door.

I have a huge emotional connection to this house. I fell in love with it the minute I walked through the door. I just felt it. I knew instantly I wanted to buy it. Shortly after we moved in, Finn joined us. He lived his entire life here. I still picture him playing in the yard and sitting in his front window seat. His life was cut short for reasons I'm still angry about. But I have to accept them. All I have left are his memories and his ashes.

Julien was brought here after he was born and all his baby memories and early childhood memories happened within these walls. I know they will live on forever in my mind, just as Finn's will, but I can't help but feel as though I'm letting go of a time in my life that was so important to me. I have a new house that I will build new memories in. And I know that eventually it will feel like my home. It just breaks my heart to leave behind the home I love so much. Selling is the best decision for Julien though. He needs friends to play with and he's going to a better school. But it doesn't make it any easier to leave the house that means so much to me. My heart is very heavy right now.

My strongest memories.

11 comments:

  1. sending you hugs today ((((()))))

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  2. We all have to move on, shift, make changes. My grandson still misses his old home and often talks about the friends he used to have. I left everything I ever knew to move to Auckland when I met Stu. There is a book called "Who moved my cheese" all about fear of change. Stu got it for me when I was about to move cities and it is so true. There is so much new life to be had and memories to make. Finn wouldn't want you sad and Julien needs you strong. Life goes in stages and we will always look back with fond memories - I certainly do but there is nothing we can do.

    Look forward with excitement and anticipation of the wonderful things your new home will bring ;)

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  3. And it's a beautiful house! I'm just into chapter two of "A Life Complete" and it's about learning to grieve. It talks about how everything in life changes, nothing is permanent and we do have to let things go, but it's important to allow ourselves time to grieve those losses, big or small. It's not just a house. It's a home you love filled with beautiful memories, so take whatever time you need to grieve that loss, but know that the next phase in your life will be building precious new memories in your new home. I think you'll come to love it just as much. :)

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  4. I feel you - I've lived in the same house since I was 1 years old (inherited it when my dad passed and I had never truly moved out!) and it looks like I will be living here till retirement maybe??? The memories in this house are THICK and deep and unavoidable. Places are powerful. Feel what you feel!!

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  5. You have every right to these feelings....and I'm glad you are feeling them, living them...and when the time is right, you will compartmentalize the best parts of the memories, tuck them into a corner of your heart, and move forward. HUGS

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  6. A House is not a Home without memories and yes some not so good and some very good. But I sense it is time to move on ...to make some more good memories for you all to share.

    Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

    All the best Jan

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  7. I was thinking of you today and wondering why you haven't updated in a while! The new house is beautiful! I can relate to how you feel, I moved out of my country and I still feel the memories stuck in my parents house! Hugs

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  8. Of course it's bittersweet - it's been your home for a long time! But the best part of memories is that they are always with you, regardless of where you live. :-)

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  9. What wonderful comments so far!! Such clever, insightful women. Clearly you are not alone in your feelings for your home but I do know that when everything is moved and family settles in to another house it will soon become home :)

    I hope you are feeling a little happier today.

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  10. I'm worried about you, you just sound so depressed all the time now. The memories are in your heart and your head, it doesn't matter where on earth you are.

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  11. I'd like to offer a slightly different frame, if I may--this house is also the one in which you were obese. Perhaps it is time to move into a new house that's all about the new you and the person (and the family) you want to be now, not who you were.

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